AYAH

So now people, let me tell you how it feels to live without a father. Its hurt, Its hard. and its different. Orang yg kita rapat yg kita sayang, sangat, takde. Forever pulak tu. Rasa rindu tu, Allah, tiap hari weh tiap hari tiap masa. Ada je benda yg buat kita ingat.

Dulu walaupun tahu ketuk paku kt dinding tp boleh jugaklah nk mengada dgn ayah mintak tolong buatkan itu ini. Tapi skrg, semua sendiri. Cakaplah kerja apa. Tukar lampu, tukar paip, baiki sinki, ketuk paku. Semua kena sendiri.

Pernah rasa rindu tu datang tiba tiba. air mata pulak mcm tak kasi chance pun utk stop. Masa tu rasa mcm i need you so much ayah. I miss youuuuu. To keep strong is hard, but to see them sad is hurt. Kite rindu sangat kt ayah. Ayah, skrg kite tgh final eam. Biasanya bila exam ayah mesti buatkan air yasin utk minum sepanjang exam tu. sekarang takde dah. Ayah dtg la dlm mimpi kite, boleh jugak kite hilang rindu walaupun jumpa dlm mimpi je.

Dah 4 bulan ayah pergi. Kenduri kite nanti mcmne yah? Rumah kt Dungun mcmne? Tak best la takde ayah. Tak meriah dah. Biasa ayah yg banyak buat lawak. Nanti cuti sem kite nak balik Dungun yah. Macam selalu. Cuma cuti kalini lain, ayah takde ikut kiteorg. Lain.

DUA BULAN DAH,

So now, tell me how to be strong. Tell me how i supposed to proceed my study. Tell me how to be really strong to handle my study in fact ayah the one yg sangat sangat nak tengok i study in UIA, he is the one yg nak sangat anak dia grad as IIUM student.

Biasanya apa apa mesti nak update dkt ayah and mak. So haritu beria la balik rumah awal sbb nk bgtau kt ayah yg dah nak midterm statistic which is ayah dgn mak sangat tahu yg i mmg takut and tknak belajar math. So balik rumah nk mengadu la nervous lah takut lah, and sampai je rumahhhhhh guess what! I lupa yg ayah dah takdeeeee. Can you imagine how was that feel? Its feels not good okay not good. Pastu apa lagi, masuk bilik cakap dgn gambar jelah sis mampu, pastu well mcm biasalah menangis tk sudah. Hello you guys ingat i menaip ni tgh cool ke, mmg taklah menangis manjang ni haa. 

but its okay, for me, menangis kan therapy. Such a relief tau bila menangis.

Ayah dgn mak yg sepatutnya ada masa kita convo nanti. Tak lama dah ayah, tak lama. Nanti kita bawak sijil tu kat ayah okay. No worries, i'll make you proud. I always want to make you proud ayah. 

I miss you so much ayah. I just miss you so much. 

KAWEN

Haa yelah, bila tengok orang kawen, aku pun rasa nak kawen. Erghhh stressnya lahai camni. Tapi lupa, mana layak lagi nk kawen. Banyak benda yg serba kurang lagi, kena baiki lagi, kena ubah lagi. Kenapa bila tengok orang lain, mcm senang je hidup dorang nk kawen.

Macam mana parents boleh setuju? Macam mana dorang approach? Macam mana kumpul duitttt? Haaa ni soalan paling aku nk tau jawapan dia, hahahahaha. Tolonglah share dgn sis, sis nak tau sangat ni haa.

To accept the fact that i am handling my family now is sometimes make me down. To be a child, a sister, a daughter, a student, the one who handle everything for your family; buying groceries, pay all the bills, so on and sort of, seriously are not easy. I repeat, it is not easy.

Aku ingat lagi pagi tu, mak kejut kata ayah macam dah lain je, in fact i know that she trying to tell me that my father is gone. My father is gone. Your father is gone. Can you imagine life without the one who always there behind you? Can you feel how to handle everything without someone whose inspire you soooo much to be strong in your life.

My heart broken into pieces.